Serenity… refocus – seek joy – thrive

February 2010

Been a few changes over the past few months – some good. Some truly awful.

But, I have started writing my book. At this point I am only about 10,000 words in but… I am writing it! I am saying six months for the first and second draft. More drafts, if needed, after readers (I am sure I will have some by then) make suggestions and point out where I went wrong.  I can’t wait to get done so I can start collecting my 200 rejection slips. And then, who knows? Maybe get published. Or publish myself -more and more, people are doing that, even some established writers. I plan for this to only be the first, but we’ll see.

November 2010

I wrote the explanation for “why” below almost two years ago – when I didn’t really know why I needed a space of my own, I just knew I did. I had no confidence in my ability to do much of anything at that point, regardless of what I had accomplished before. I am a creative, I wanted – needed – to create, but every idea that wanted to be born was stopped up, bottled up, dying because I didn’t believe I could bring them to the light in the way they deserved. Plus, my life was a mess, full of drama mostly outside of my control, and I thought I had to wait until things changed, calmed down, got back on an even keel, etc.

So I’ve wandered around this space, still not sure what to do. I paused sometimes to throw paint on the walls alá Jackson Pollock;  scribbled brilliant (of course!) passages on the floor, then played hopscotch in them; and locked all the doors and closed all the drapes so I could brood, friendless, in the dark.

Obviously teens don’t hold the patent on angst.

So, where am I now in all this, on this expedition?

Better. I’ve accepted that my messy, drama-filled life is the new normal, and it is what I have to work with. I’m deeply excited – from the gut – at unstopping my bottled up creativity and just letting it go – without pre-scheduled embarrassment at the result but willing to wade through the crappy stuff to get to the sparkly rocks I know are there.

Well, I know they, these ideas, these sparkly rocks, are there because they are stomping around (my gut!), anxious to get out. And me, I am anxious to make sure they maintain their brilliance in the full light of day. Just gotta keep polishing, yeah?

February 2009

A few things came together for me, in my mind, at roughly the same time.

I turned 50 last year.

I had a dreadful year last year.

I joined Twitter.

I realized that, of all the sites I’ve made or been a part of, not one has been just for me. A personal site, with my own thoughts, dreams, aspirations or kevetches.

This is not to say that I’ve not expressed some of those things other places – at Human Beams or someplace else, it’s just that I’ve never felt really comfortable doing so. It’s possibly all in my mind but I’ve just felt limited on what I consider professional sites. Still, it just never occurred to me to start a personal site of my own.

Well wait – I lie.  The original Stalking Sunlight – on blogspot, in 2003, where I wrote a total of 5 posts before moving it over to Human Beams, or thereabouts. I wonder why? In my first post I was saying the same things as now:

And this surely is a new thing for me… a completely self-absorbed journal of thoughts and views, which is also open to the world to see. This should be interesting… to me, at least. I don’t expect anyone else to really care. I guess that is the entire point of random anonymity… exploring who you are, what causes you to be… in full view of people who could care less. Sort of like standing in Times Square, NYC, and yelling that the world is ending while eddys of people pass around you, oblivious, pursuing their own lives and not giving a hoot about yours. I wonder if that is actually the true liberation of thought and spirit.

It’s possible that this experiment is already not turning out as planned if I am at the beginning comparing myself to street ranters, and they are coming out on the topside.

So, here I am again, then.  Things changed when I brought the blog under Human Beams – it was no longer about exploring my own writing or thoughts, so much as (somewhat) writing for a purpose for and about others.  Even my writing style changed (might be a good thing) – less reflective, less visual, more … something. Bloggish, maybe. Certainly more constrained, as there I am representing something. Here, I represent nothing but myself, and can write bad fiction, if I want; long, rambling essays; explore thoughts about activism, writing, gossip about other people – or just whine a lot about life in general.

Anyway, trying again – whatever this turns out to be.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 17th, 2009 at 8:55 pm and is filed under bellybutton bedazzlement, life, pleasing things, Twitter, writing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.