This morning, though, while I was concentrating on work – any work – to avoid major irritants in my life, ideas began to stroll through my mind, so far politely refraining from the mad, tumbled rush that is their normal behavior. Nothing earth shattering – thank the gods or geniuses or whatever – but at least something I can – just maybe – build on.

By writing about it here I thought I’d just go ahead and embrace the jinx – because “no, no, you’ll jinx it!” is the thought that ran through my head at the thought of saying/writing anything out loud about it. Not writing about it hasn’t helped much, and besides – if I can have stranger black cats – different ones -  hanging out on my patio no matter where I live, and think of Friday the 13th as my lucky day, I might as well embrace the jinx, too. 

No writing genius/muse has made an appearance, though, so actually crafting posts about the idea that make sense, instead of just galuph along like this one does, will have to wait till another time – though I will say that the first thing I know I need to do is change the name of the site from Human Beams.

[Image: By  Energie in Motion via BLDG BLOG].

I’m not sure that worked out too well, because I have little to show for it but a pile of disconnected thoughts and no finished product. I’m thinking this breeze doesn’t always swoop down and bestow great illuminations that flow effortlessly from your fingers as we act as stenographers to the dawn.

But could that maybe be a good thing?

I like to just dash off stuff as it comes to me because little I write seems important enough to labor over, formulating my thoughts and figuring out where to place each word and all that. Also, I tend not to finish things that I start, if I don’t finish them right away. The bane of my writing life, that.

I think now, though, that that may have more to do with that same lack of belief in the importance (to anyone but me) of what I am saying than lack of discipline (though there is that) or anything else. So, I started asking myself questions. Like…

How we as writers decide that some topic that just drops into our minds is worth following up on, spending time on, perfecting? It’s just possible, is it not, that most everything could be made relevant or at least worth the time, if time is spent on it to make it so? Perhaps no earth shattering revelations (I’m fairly sure those  are few and far between) but maybe slipping a dollop of unique perspective into the deluge of information and other unique perspectives that rush by daily. Who knows who will find value in it, but if we don’t ourselves value it – enough to take the time, to scrutinize each word and attempt to pull out what meaning we can from the tendril of thought – how will we ever find out?

If I think of it that way, I might just be able to go back and finish – slowly and carefully, maybe. or maybe not – some of the things I have waiting in the queue. Sure, a lot of it may be pretty crappy at first, even the final product, even with attention paid. But without that, without at least the attempt, there is nothing at all, which does not seem to me to be better (though it may seem so to others, ha). Still, it’s worth doing, even if only for the experience of doing it, of learning how to jettison the junk and keep the rest. 

I guess when you think about it, one of the primary differences between mediocre writers and good or great ones, beyond talent and study and lots of practice and work, is that the good(+) writers are also much better de-crapifiers.

[photo by Ibarionex Perello, via here]

I have, right now, a 4.0 average and I don’t see that changing much as time goes on. Well, until I hit algebra, that is, maybe.

The work is pretty easy as this is the first block of classes and because many of the students have been out of a classroom environment for a lot of years, they seem to try and ease everyone in at first. I have been assured that the classes get progressively more challenging as time goes on. That’s good, as I like to stretch a bit and compete against myself to obtain the grades.

One immediate advantage, though, is that there is quite a bit of writing. In fact, as it’s an online university, it’s ALL writing. That’s what I wanted and that’s what I got.

I’m actually in University of Phoenix’s junior college, Axia, and I think once I get my associates degree, there I will end with them, as they don’t do english degrees. Not surprising as the school is mainly geared toward business and such. I will either transfer to somewhere else or, as the paper itself does not mean all that much to me, will go through some of the many open course writing/english courses online.

In fact, I plan on starting on those as soon as I get a computer. Even if I do decide to go on I don’t have the patience to wait two years to get to the stuff I really want to do.

Anyway, overall I am pleased. They have a few tools that are helpful in cleaning up your writing (one of which has previously told me that unless I am fitting someone for farm clothing, it’s better to use a different word than “overall”, but, oh well). And an excellent research library, which former students have free access to for life, so that’s a plus.

I’m pretty happy with things an am glad I did sign up. Even if it doesn’t all turn out like I want, even taking that step and changing the course of my life a little, opening up new vistas and sort of being a renewing force has already made it worthwhile.

Even so, I believe I have come to a point where one path calls me above all others (at least at this time) and that is the one I will follow with a spring in my step.

I will think on it more for the next few days, till I can fully communicate – then I think it will be time to move forward and not look back. Much.

Anyway, first on my list when my financial aid comes through. I hope that happens soon.

As for the classes themselves, right now it’s just orientation on how to work in an online environment – not something I need so much but there are others who are not all that familiar with computers. Plus, it gives us time to just get used to completing the assignments how they want them to be completed and in the time they want them before moving headlong into the real stuff.

I am going to try to write a bit about all of this, for a couple of reasons. I decided on University of Phoenix for this part of things, mainly because a friend of my daughters is just finishing up her MBA with them and she seems to like it. Also, I’ve read so much that was both bad and good about this and other distance learning non-traditional universities that I figured I’d just go ahead and document my experience for anyone who is interested. Plus, for me to be able to look back on, as well.

So, so far, so good. I have a great enrollment counselor, Justin, who is very helpful – but not pushy or anything at all, even when I was signing up. He took the time to explain the loans, encouraged me to get the least amount I could get away with so that I didn’t wind up with a huge financial burden down the road and stuff like that. I apparently also have an academic and a financial counselor, both of which (along with Justin) stay with me through my education at the school, but I’ve not met either of them yet.

The tuition is pretty high but books are included, apparently as e-books which can either be accessed online or downloaded. At the local campus, I can go in and just print out all the pages of the books I need and bring them home (paper and all that is free, and it saves on ink for me). We’ll see if that, plus the convenience of learning online on my own time, offsets the costs.

I’m aware going in that possibly degrees from this sort  of place are not as acceptable or respected as they are from others, but that’s okay for right now. I wasn’t expecting Harvard or anything and I think this’ll work out okay for me, as an adult re-entry student.

Okay, more updates when I can.

cat's eye nebula

Every spare moment, these days, I seem to have my nose in a book. No hardship, that, I love to read, but these days it too is almost like work.

My itty bitty library across the street is coming in so handy. They have a very limited selection there, but with being able to order in what I need and then just pop over there and pick it up when it comes in makes it convenient. Maybe too convenient – I have to make sure to read and absorb what I have already and not be tempted by each new and interesting thing I find, otherwise I’ll never get started on this book. I’ll just keep researching it for years and not write a word – that would be shameful.

I don’t really fear that happening, though – the stories are just bubbling away in my head and I sometimes write out scenes or just thought fragments, just to get them down so I won’t forget them and to keep the book fresh in my mind. That’ll have to do, for now, because I just have too much to learn about my subject in order to actually start writing.

My time is limited, though, as is my ability to focus my mind on different things – maybe it’s age or something, but I don’t think so. I’ve been pretty much the same for ages – get excited about one thing and laser in on that to the exclusion of most all else, until it gets old hat and I become bored and go on to the next thing. I have so many plans for Human Beams and remaking that, which I was really excited about, but now it seems as if they’ve scuttled off and planted themselves on a shelf somewhere because they knew they were going to be ignored. For now.

I *think* I’ll get to a point where I can concentrate on both – but each will take a huge time commitment and dedication in order to do it right, and for now I think I need to put off one to do the other. This – researching the book, concentrating on writing in order to become more comfortable with it and to improve my skills, moving in new directions – all of that,  just feels right, right now. So, I’ll go with it.

I feel better, now that I’ve decided that.

After all, who am I to argue with the universe (cough)?

[photo via NASA.gov]

Bird - by Joe Moorman

There’s something to be said for both approaches. And has been. For instance:

“Leap, and the net will appear.” I love that idea.

And -

“Slow and steady wins the race.” This one too, although I am less temperamentally suited to it.

I tend to worry about nets only after I’ve leapt into action. This has not worked out so well, though not because of lack of planning, so much (although there is an element of that as well) as to a lack of trust. In my vision of things, in the desired end result, in my knowledge, so on.  In me.

I’m sure this is probably familiar to many who have set themselves on a course that they are not specifically trained for, whether it is in business, art, or whatever.

One of the reasons I started this site (which is, after all, all about me) was to explore these trust issues, work out my reasonings for doing what I do, or don’t do, and to decide on certain actions. Either going forward or standing still (both are viable options, in my mind). Right now, I have plans and plans and plans, and am loving the idea of restructuring and retooling my magazine/organization site and somehow turning it into my life’s work (instead of my life’s drain on finances and stuff) but… not just yet. I must decide.

Leap or plod?

I think, actually, I made that decision before I sat down to write one word, when I was searching for a picture to illustrate the post. I wanted a mosaic because of what it says and while I came across many that were more colorful (and, as one can see, I love color) and had other attractive subject matters this is the one that caught and held my eye. It wasn’t until I read the artist’s description of the piece that I realized why:

This is my first mosaic.  It was made with a screw driver and a hammer using pieces of broken plates from a thrift store and ordinary ceramic tile.  I hand chiseled each piece into shape.  Even though I had recently spent five years working in research and development, I made absolutely no effort to look up basic information as to how to make a mosaic.  In retrospect, I did everything the hard way.  I didn’t even take the time to buy a $10 tile nipper, which would have made the job infinitely easier.  I guess I couldn’t tolerate any delays or distractions from working on the art itself, not after waiting so many years to do so.  In many ways, it was as if this mosaic exploded into existence by shear will alone.

Definitely a leap.