Oh, why, why, why would you want to do such a thing, Nanette? (See, there I go already.)

Well, for one thing, I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was going to create my own life. And I have been doing anything but ever since. I am easily distracted, this is true. Life, yapping on people’s blogs, cleaning the bathroom (it’s amazing what looks more fun when I am in avoidance mode.) But it was more than that, than just avoidance. I wasn’t yet ready to trust myself, my instincts. It’s kind of hard to “just go with your gut” when you’ve spent years ignoring the little bugger. It’s not that I’ve ever been especially practical or sensible, it’s just that – except for a very few occasions – I have thought that I should be doing something else other than what I wanted to do. What it felt like I should do.

If that makes any sense, and it may not because I am a terrible explainer.

I almost didn’t trust my instincts enough to put up my first post on this topic of creating my own life. I agonized about making it public, wondered if it was too sappy, too woowoo, too big a step (it was barely a shuffle), too – everything. Much better, I thought, to keep it private and safe and warm. It was too new, I said.

But I finally gathered my courage, thought “trust” – and threw my little fledgling out of the nest. And then, that evening, I received a most wonderful gift in return. This half-feathered, shaky, squeaky little creation of mine had bumped into someone’s heart, and they wrote and told me about it.

Oh, man. This was an old, dear friend who I hadn’t spoken to in a long time writing to me, telling that what I said resonated with him. And not only that, but he had realized that I was right about something I told him years ago (I will mightily resist the urge to say, “Of course!”) and that he had been making changes in his own life. Good ones, happy ones on the heels of other good changes that appeared out of the blue.

Yes, of course – tears, when I read that.  Not only did he not think I was silly, he affirmed what I had been thinking, and how it was working in his own life. He’ll be on his own journey of self-discovery, self-creation, while I am on mine so in some ways we’ll travel together!

So, what does this all have to do with interviewing myself? I believe that that needs to be my first step. Part of creating my own life – but not the biggest part – is exploring my writing, expanding not only my ability – a lot of that will come with practice, I think – but my depth. There is little enough of it to explore right now because, as I’ve mentioned before, for all my yapping about “me, me, me” I don’t say an awful lot. Habit, nature, whatever – I rarely put anything out there that hits anywhere near close to any bones. Not even if I am writing a private journal type thing, the habit of silence is just too ingrained, I guess. But – if I want to be a writer of any depth, I have to, I think, at least skim near the bony parts, no?

I think of myself, my writing right now, as toodling around on my trike, gaining a little on the people on two-wheelers and training wheels. That’s in my sights; I ask myself, “Can you do that?” and I think, yeah, I can. I’m a little more dubious about the 10-speeds. “Can you do that?” and I think, yeah. Sure. Probably – soon. With enough peddling and practice. I’ve got friends on all those bikes and eventually I’ll get there.

But then, you know… I’ve got friends who can fly. I don’t know if that’s what I really want to do; it takes a lot of work and practice and excavating, I think. I’d like to try, though. I may not ever soar, but I might eventually be able to flap a few feet above the ground.

But all that, and everything else I have planned, begins with a beginning. And the interview is mine.

I’m going to make up my own questions instead of getting them from a book or something. Though I may seek inspiration of sorts somewhere, because a year’s worth is a lot of questions. And, of course, reader suggestions will always be welcome, or anyone who is doing this, too. “What would you ask me?”  I’ll ask. Or, better yet, what would you ask yourself?

I want to do it this way, and make it an entire year instead of a few weeks or months because it is my hope that once I run out of the easy questions, and the easy answers, I will dig down deeper for the more difficult ones. Or ask the same question again after a passage of time, but demand something more than the answer I gave before. Use this process to train myself to give.

You know? It all makes perfect sense to me, but …

[painting up top via here and Zuky]

Last year or so, when HB was still limping along, I came across a few friends from the early days and, to a person, they expressed surprise that the site was still going. I think, in an odd way, those comments helped me give myself permission to end it. Not forever, I don’t think, but end what was and perhaps begin something new. I still haven’t found what that something new is yet, though not for lack of trying. Well, I have not tried to think of it lately – in fact, I’ve thought of everything else but, because that seemed the best thing to do at the time.

Lately, though, that’s changing a bit. I am about ready to start focusing outward again, instead of – or, rather, in addition to – focusing inward as I do on this site.  I needed the break, I think, even from navel gazing, to restore some sort of balance and beauty. That has to be an on-going process, though, so it’s back to walking and chewing gum at the same time. Maybe. After all, everything both terrible and beautiful will still be here when I am but a memory, so …

Anyway, I think have arrived at a beginning.

Anyway, I thought I had found it yesterday. A line of a poem by Langston Hughes just sort of leaped out at me and I thought “That’s it!”.  I loved the sound of it, the lyricism – though it was a few words long. Still, it had the feeling I was looking for, and it even incorporated the “sun”, which has been part of our logo since the beginning! How perfect was that?

Except. A couple of hours later I was warmly thinking of our new name, and then… um, what was it again? How did it go, exactly? I looked it up again and, oh yeah! That’s it, beautiful and perfect.

Only, just now I again tried to recall the words, the sequence, the beauty – and I can’t remember a thing about it, except that it has “sun” in it.

Now, this could be a sign that age has gripped my brain and just refused to let go – or, more likely, a good sign that I should keep looking for that perfect name. If even I can’t remember it, how could I expect my readers to?

Sigh.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, the train station sign for which is posted above, is the name of a town in Wales. It reportedly means "St. Mary’s Church in the hollow of white hazel near a rapid whirlpool and the Church of St. Tysilio near the red cave.", so you can see why they wanted to shorten it a bit…

Even so, I believe I have come to a point where one path calls me above all others (at least at this time) and that is the one I will follow with a spring in my step.

I will think on it more for the next few days, till I can fully communicate – then I think it will be time to move forward and not look back. Much.

It seems – feels – like lots will start happening next week, that there will be an ending to the sense of being in stasis that has been, if not my life (truth, there), then at least my creative persona. Or something like that

In reality not much will be changing, outwardly, at all and nothing that could be pointed to as the reason for this feeling of… maybe renewal. I do begin my real classes tomorrow, but I don’t think that’s it. Financial aid will start coming in sometime next month, but not much (although *any* will be very welcome) but, while that is part of it, surely it can’t be all?

Then again if not all, at least a big part of it. I’ll not have *no* worries, but definitely I’ll have fewer. Maybe the knowledge that help is on the way has freed up a part of my brain that had been previously occupied by worries over how to pay the rent, the electric bill AND feed everyone –and now that I can eliminate at least a couple of these things which had left me feeling so deadened little green shoots of creative life are springing up again.

Probably. Whatever the reason, I welcome it. Just today I’ve written at least notes on two scenes for my book, begun thinking more deeply about how to round out the characters, decided on a January re-opening date for Human Beams and in general just followed along after my brain as it chugged along seeing new possibilities in everything.

Whatever accounts for the sudden return of my inner optimistic, creative self, I’m glad it’s back. I’ve missed it.

little miss fickle

With a little juggling of time and duties, and a bit less sleep, I can do both and be happy doing it. Mind you, hearing from my partner in crime (or at least in websites and organizations) that same night, with plans for moving forward, helped my new decision along. More universe speaking!? The coincidence sure seems sort of universe-y (if I believed in that type of stuff, that is).

In which case *I’m* not the fickle one.

Anyway, I got up this morning at 4:30 AM, charged and ready to go. Did some writing – not enough, I’m not that good at sticking and keeping my butt stuck in the chair yet – and then emails and working on plans and such, so that whatever happens from here on forward today (it’s a bit after 9.15 am here now), at least I will have accomplished some stuff. If I can do this daily – which will mean going to bed earlier, no great loss as I am not very productive in the evenings.

So, here we go.  Again

[Little Miss Fickle graphic from here, it’s a bookcover apparently)