At first I sat down and, over a few days, dashed off about 50,000 words all together, and then got stuck. I simply had no idea what the story was about (beyond the beginning), no idea where to go next, and along with all that, when I went back to do editing I instead started writing the entire thing over again. I found that annoying.

So, I figured out that I am not a “seat of the pants” writer, even though I don’t like structure much as a rule. Mind, lack of structure has me wasting time and redoing things in other parts of my life as well, but I think I am too old to change that. At least, in things other than writing my book, that is.

What I have been working on now is an outline, of sorts. Still sort of scattered, but I figure that’s okay as long as I have the main points and events in there. I know where the story needs to go, I know what’s in the middle, and I know what happens at the end. Well, what the goal is that needs to be reached, anyway. And by adding scene ideas or little notes along the way, I can also see what needs to happen in each chapter. Theoretically.

I really don’t think having an outline will constrain my imagination, though. In fact, I think it will allow it to soar in between the lines. I know in general what needs to happen, so that leaves me free to apply myself to making it happen in a cohesive, interesting way. Or changing it completely, but still keeping it within the big picture.

Another advantage is that I don’t have that much problem with imagination and thinking up things; my main problem is in the language. Working within the basic structure of the outline will save me from having to think up every part of the story as I go along, thus allowing me to focus my attention on word choice and placement and all that. This is the plan, anyway, and I don’t see why it shouldn’t work out.

If it doesn’t, though, well this is my practice book, so I’ll just try something else next.

Work. The drive to make money to take care of the bills and secure my living space is a big part of it. Because I choose to work out of my home (though, really, at my age and having been out of the physical workplace for the past 10 or so years while I was caring for my mom, I am not sure I have many other options) I have been feel as if any moment not spent on pounding the keyboard for pay is a stolen moment. After all, am I not behind on everything and should not everything I do be geared toward catching up? Even the mornings?

Only I don’t. Catch up, that is. In fact, I am falling further and further behind–not because the work is not there (though that is indeed the case, sometimes) but because … well, I find other things to do, lots of time wasting, yes, but I think there is a bit more to it. This has been quite a year.

Living space. I am not in my own living space. When the apartment complex I lived in went under foreclosure, I decided to rent a room instead of getting another apartment right away. The room is in the home of ex family (my former sisters and brother-in-law) and, barring a few incidents, they are very nice and all that. But I don’t feel settled, or home I suppose you could say. More like a long-term guest. And so, I no longer putter around in the early mornings, peeking out the windows at the sunrise, sitting quietly and thinking or jotting down mental or physical notes. I just stay in my room.

I need to get into my own place after the new year, but until then…

Depression. Or something. This has been a year changes and of not very good things happening and I think I failed to effectively deal with some of it. In fact, I know I did… only, I only know this looking back and considering some stuff. I imagine that there is enough distance now from events that I can see more clearly their effect on me and the oddness of my internal reactions. As an introvert I am fairly proficient at self-interrogation but, like most everyone, I’m also pretty good at lying to myself. Anyway, now that I am better at recognizing the problem, I will get better at finding the solutions.

I suppose it is perfect timing that all this is coming to a head at the end of the old year and in time for the beginning of the new. I am not a “New Year’s Resolutions” type person generally, but since I need to make changes and the new year is here, I might as well count my plans as being just that. Resolutions for the new year.

Writing more is, of course, one of my daily resolutions (and we can see how well I keep that one) but there are others. I have many ideas and plans but I think the first thing I will do is somehow find a way to take back my mornings. This is a start.

Actually, before the blogger came a picture. I saw a pen and ink drawing of a somewhat serious looking young black man with a goatee, and I thought… oh, that’s him. I don’t know *why* I thought that, because the look doesn’t fit the original of the character at all, I mean his personality and all that for the brief time he was supposed to be on the scene. But then I realized… the first time meet see him he is acting a part, of sorts. As we meet him more, we realize that. I tossed this around for a bit, and it felt right, and fit with the story. But I needed more, still, he was too flat and conventional.

So, now, enter the blogger. I don’t know him. I have heard his name around the black blogs, but if I visited his site I didn’t stay or go back. Not that anything he wrote was bad — quite the opposite, in fact. I just never put it on my rotation. This time, though, I went to his site through a link, read the recommended material, and realized that I had my character. Well, partially, anyway.

I still don’t know the blogger, but now not only am I following the blog, I’ve been clicking through the back links, trying to get a handle on not so much who he is, but how he thinks. And why he thinks the things he does, in the way he does. Why is his world, and his view of it, the way it is? So far I’ve gathered a few things, but not nearly enough. He’s very intelligent, a little intense, and not at all perfect, but of course I need more, and I need to combine it with what I already know of the character. Should be fun.

I don’t know if my character himself will be a blogger — it’s an interesting idea and if I can fit it in smoothly, I might. But I do know that he will be this guy, or at least the impression of this guy that I glean.

Blogs are good for so many fun things, no?

I don’t want every little thing I write on here also posted on Facebook — I ain’t that profound! So, I have removed it and now I am free to natter, chatter, and navel-gaze to my heart’s content and the only people who will have to endure all that are the few that visit this site. And if I happen to write something that I think others will benefit from reading, I’ll just post that. Whew. Glad all that is over.

I’ve been trying to figure out what the difference was, in my mind, between writing here and putting it on Facebook or whatever, and I think it’s because the “automatic social network sharing” feels like I am, or should be, writing for someone else. Yet I started this site so that I could write for myself. So that I could experiment with this and that, try my hand at memoir writing, see if I can get my “create your life” type series going, work out my thoughts on social justice issues, and more. But — call it stage fright, maybe — if I know I have an audience of people who are not self-selected, I have trouble doing all that. It’s not that there is a huge audience, mind — I only have like 40 friends on Facebook. But every little thing posting just felt intrusive (on them) to me, so I wound up writing rarely.

So, I should be posting more, and half of it will be ungrammatical blather, so yay! Everything is back to normal.

Other things are more settled, though. For one thing, I needed to find a reliable income and I’ve been able to do that, after trying a few things. What I’ve decided to do, so that I don’t spend all my time running around, or scrabbling here or there, is just go with the content creating site, Demand Studios.

I was doing that before, as I think I’ve mentioned, but pretty haphazardly — an article here, another two there. At $15 an article, basically that was just spending money. But now that I have a writing space, and also need to have more of a JOB, I figured that if I can just write five or six articles per day, which takes me about three hours (if I just sit and do it, which I rarely do. I take lots of breaks!) That will do me just fine. I live very simply (and will be living even more simply still, once I find a 1 bedroom apartment to move to) so that’s enough to cover my needs and leave a little for stuff and saving.

Actually, one reason I can do this now, and I couldn’t before, is because their titles were just so weird sometimes that it was discouraging even to go through them. They’ve made some adjustments, though… and, I think, hired real people to do the titles instead of what maybe was some sort of computer program. My recent ones have been pretty good — Stuff like “Effect of Poverty on Child Health” and an article on ecotourism and stuff like that. Interesting, yet only requiring 400 – 500 words, tops.

Mind, there are still a few wacky titles there, which now just sort of makes things fun. My absolute favorite right now? “How to Convert a Piano into a Wind Chime” lol. I have no idea who, if anyone, is going to write that, but it’s not going to be me. Though I am tempted to do it just as a joke – no time though! After all, I have a book to write!

Which, speaking of, is finally coming together. Well, not the writing of the book itself, yet, but the plot and the storyline and stuff. I have figured out the middle, and even the end (kinda), and have a better idea of my characters and all that.

Now if I can just figure out where they all live…

[photo at the top is of precariously balanced rocks with a lake in the background. (Do you think those rocks are really balanced like that, or is it photoshop?)]

But I’ve not been writing. And, of course, there is a difference.

My book? I open the software, look at it, perhaps tap out a couple of ideas or so, then… well, I don’t really close it. I leave it open after that. Just in case, you know. In case I have a free moment. Or in case I get inspired. Or in case I am not worried anymore about this or that or the other thing. It’s only at the end of the day when it’s clear I am not going to do anything with it that I close it.

I’m a little frustrated with it, anyway. I love the story, but I have no clue, still, where it is going. I don’t know whether it is better to, once I get my groove back, keep slogging through it until it at least has a middle, if not yet an ending — or put it aside and start on something fresh and clear.

I worry about doing that because I have a habit of half-finishing things. And this is not even half! I’ll have to think on it, anyway. I think I may keep working on the plot, just change things a little. Maybe if I turn some incident in another direction a pathway will open up and I’ll see my way clear. It’s my first book and it’s likely few people at all will read it, but in order to get my first 300,000 of crap writing out of the way (from what I understand, that’s about the standard,) then… well, I have to get it out of the way. Then maybe the next will be better, and easier. Except I have no intention of writing a 300,000 word book! I wonder if other writing counts in the final total?

Anyway, I am going to try to get back into doing more writing for me, whether it’s blogging on whatever, or continuing getting into memoir writing, like I’ve been wanting to do, or working on the book. For one thing, I miss it, but also I want to keep in practice and all that.